Stuck at 80

I haven't weighed myself in over two weeks. I guess this post is about life and how something as major as your sleeve can be put on the back burner because of several other things. 

I haven't weighed myself because I am scared to see what I am afraid of. I worked really hard to get down to 80 pounds lost and I am scared to see that I am at the same weight and haven't lost anymore. I know I am at the same weight because my clothes fit the same. I also have not been very strict on myself as far as what I eat.. I know I need to stay away from simple carbs but I somehow always find myself indulging in bread! This needs to stop.

I have been sorting out through some things and I also just got a new job. Life changes and uncertainty always add stress and give me major anxiety. I am the type of person that likes to feel like everything in my life is perfectly planned out and executed according to said plan. I have all these goals for myself, my one year goal, my five year goal and my ten year goal. Sometimes I need to take a step back and realize that I am still 23 years old and I am allowed to deviate from plan and make a few mistakes here and there. 

There's also that nervousness that comes with a new job and that's a good thing. I am incredibly grateful that I was given an opportunity to advance my career elsewhere and do what it is I love and went to school for. I just always put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and be the best (at least professionally I am). A couple weeks ago I got a call about an accounting position that had opened at a nonprofit organization that I had already been involved with when I was going to school to get my degree in accounting. The Vice President of Finance wanted to meet me and discuss the position. I went in resume and portfolio in tow to meet with her and discuss the position on a Friday, 2 days later on Monday I was offered the position. Of course I said yes and I found myself rearranging things to reflect my new life change. It's still surreal and I can hardly believe it's happening. Yesterday was my last day at the financial institution where I was working at, it was so bittersweet. Even though I only worked there for a year and 3 months I changed so much both personally and professionally working there and I learned a lot about myself. I cried as I gave my manager a hug before I left. I also cried like an idiot looking at my cubicle there all empty. It is strange how much a job can have such a huge influence on your life.

On another note, I have to admit I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I like the size I am now. Sure I need to lose at least another 30 pounds. It's ingrained in our minds as women that only being a size 6 or smaller is beautiful but I like being a size 14 and I like being imperfect. I look healthy and I feel good. Sure I don't have a flat stomach or perfectly toned arms and legs but I am me and I know that I have many qualities that some size 2 women don't. This is who I am, smart, funny, driven, nice, sometimes feisty, very impatient and stubborn. But the people in my life know this and accept me like this. 

Anyways, I hope I can get back on a normal schedule and exercise more so next time I can report more weight loss.

~Mely

It's been a while..

Hola blog readers!

I know it's been a while since I posted. Life has been crazy and I have to keep reminding myself of my ultimate goal and finding ways to stay motivated. I am down 72 pounds total. (3 pounds away from 75 and soo soo close but I am stalled right now :(

I have been losing weight at the speed of molasses lately. I am not sure if this is normal or if I need to be way more strict on myself because I have become more lax lately.  

Firstly, I don't work out consistently. There really shouldn't be excuses for that but it is what it is. I should be going to the gym at least 3 times a week and some weeks I do go 3 or 4 times but other weeks I slack and only go once or twice! 

Then there is also the fact that I haven't been drinking my protein shakes on a regular basis. Gosh this is so hard for me! I get it, I am horrible. I have gotten caught up in the sheer bliss of being in full on normal life mode that I forget that I still have important needs and those needs are 1. enough protein intake, 2. enough water, 3. exercise. Although I am happy to report I have taken up walks on my breaks and lunches with my good pal Crystal. It helps to be held accountable and I am happy she is around. I have a size down of pants I am just itching to get into and I am so close.

Something else to report... I have been avoiding the scale. Why? Because I became obsessed with the number on the scale instead of focusing on how I feel and how good I look. It gets draining when you allow a scale to control your emotions. e.g you aren't losing enough, you only lost 2 pounds in 2 weeks, you haven't lost at all. It's all way too much to handle! I am happy with the body I have now and how I look and that is what is important. I have 50 more to lose and as expected those last 50 are going to be the HARDEST! I have only managed to lose about 10 pounds a month for the last month and a half and I feel like it really will take me a feel year to lose everything I need to lose.

One more thing for any of you that may be reading this and find you are absolutely miserable with heartburn ALL the time. Get that Prilosec!! My quality of life has dramatically increased ever since I take Prilosec everyday. I can't go without it. I can still eat the foods I love like tomatoes, onions and coffee and I have zero heartburn. I love my Prilosec and I don't understand why I wan't put on it sooner! 

I have noticed I can eat more food now and I think this is normal. I can eat about a cup of food at a time. Some foods I can eat a lot more of and I guess that scares me. When it comes to leafy greens, I can eat way more than say chicken or fish. I guess that is okay. If you are reading this and are also a sleever can you comment and let me know if you have noticed that you can eat a little bit more a couple months out of the surgery?

Anyways, below is a more recent before and after comparison. On the left is me 4 days before my surgery and the right is me this past week. Not too shabby huh? I love being curvy and healthy as opposed to just being big. This is the first time I have been this small since middle school.. it feels amazeballs (yes amazeballs ;)

Some updated pics!

Here are a couple of full body pics that I recently took... I have shared them on Facebook and though I would share here too!!

Life... an update.

Hi lovely blog readers!

Well as of a couple weeks ago I am out 3 months from my surgery. I have lost a total of 63 pounds... This means I am down a total of 43 pounds since surgery. 

My stomach has pretty much healed up and there really is nothing I can't eat anymore. My main focus continues to be lean protein and lots of water. I finally feel like I have settled into to normal life with the sleeve. I find I am happy but it is also a challenge, everyday is. I never imagined that losing weight would be harder AFTER the surgery yet somehow it is. 

I try my very best to watch what I eat but unlike Gastric Bypass patients, I can have everything and nothing really makes me sick, I have even been able to eat Greek yogurt again (thank you God). My guilty pleasure is and will always be.. CARBS! I love bread, pastries, cookies.. anything with flour. I am really working on eating carbs very rarely. Strangely enough after surgery my taste buds have changed in the sense that I always have a sweet tooth!! So to combat that I have been keeping sticks of sugar fee gum everywhere.. my desk, my car, my bedroom. I find that having something to chew on and keep my mouth busy on helps a great deal.

As much as I haven't wanted to (it's expensive!) I have been buying some clothes. The best feeling in the world is to be able to shop in the normal section of the store... It feels amazing. I am only half way there and I already feel so normal. I feel like I am just a normal 23 year old girl that loves to do what everybody else does. My quality of life has improved greatly.. I feel so full of energy now, this is a far cry from my post surgery struggle when I didn't feel satisfied or happy. I feel like I can smile more now, like I don't have to hide. Although I will admit it has been super hard for me to get used to being noticed now. As friendly and outgoing as I am, I am simply not used to attention based on my looks, I am used to attention based on my smarts and my personality. I was telling my friend Crystal that  it's weird how it all works, I am comfortable posting pictures on Facebook showcasing my weight loss because when I do get compliments I am not getting them face to face and I have time to come up with a nice response like "thanks ladies!!" but in person I kinda become introverted because I don't expect it to happen and then I get a little embarrassed even if I don't show it. It's going to take some getting used to especially since I can wear even cuter clothes now.

Heartburn: The nurse at my bariatric clinic prescribed me Prilosec, I got the generic brand from the pharmacy and let me tell you it has been absolutely the BEST $10 I have ever spent. I take one every morning and I have zero, I mean zero heartburn. Life is so much better now.

 

I hope to fill you all in soon with my 75 pounds lost update!!!

Until next time,

Melissa

Struggles

I am down two more pounds for a total weight loss of 53 pounds total.

I realize it has been forever since I posted and it's been on my mind as something I needed to do. If the title of this post wasn't an indication, I wanted to dedicate this blog post to the struggles I have experienced so far. Next Tuesday it will be 2 months since surgery.

These past couple of weeks have been really hard for me, probably the hardest time since I had the surgery. I have really completely digested the fact that I changed my body in such an extreme way and I will never be the same Melissa I used to be when this process started. I wouldn't call it a "depression" per say, it's just been hard. In my mind this is something I really wanted, I wanted bariatric surgery so so badly, I thought that this is what it would take to make me happy. Truly what it takes to make me happy is feeling okay with myself as a whole person and loving myself. I won't go too much into detail because this isn't a therapy session but if you read this and you are considering having bariatric surgery please know that you are going to need somebody to talk to all the time! You are going to need somebody that cares about you a lot to hear you vent and maybe even cry. Somebody you can be honest with when things aren't so perfect. You are going to need to accept that you will never be the same and this is really life changing. A coworker told me I don't "look happy" and she's right, I am not happy because I am so hard on myself and I can't accept the fact that I can't do this whole process perfectly and lose 5 pounds a week. Plateaus are such a factor after surgery because if you aren't getting enough water in or enough protein in your body will resist and go into this shock and not drop anymore weight. That is exactly what happened to me for these past couple of weeks.

Aside from the emotional body changing issues I am going through, I also got a couple of bills that should have been paid by my insurance and weren't. One claim was for a $500 pathology bill, another for a $3100 surgeon's bill and a $2400 anesthesiologist bill. When all these unpaid claims started to pop up I really let the situation get the best of me and I became frustrated. It made me wonder if I had done the wrong thing getting the surgery. I called Blue Shield and the rep told me that the anesthesiologist claim was actually resubmitted by the provider and paid the second time. I went ahead and submitted the remaining claims for reconsideration and now I am waiting to hear if they will be paid.

Things are looking up though. I always have a belief I live by and that is "as long as I am healthy and I have my family and my job, there is no problem too big to tackle." I remain optimistic and hope to lose more weight soon because after breaking my most recent plateau I feel good and I feel the weight coming off again.

Until next time,

Mely

51 lb down, 31 since surgery

Today I weighed myself and I have lost a total of 51 pounds. This was my first milestone, I had created different milestones for myself. 50 pounds lost, 75, 100 and 150. I must say I do feel good, I feel satisfied. I thought it would feel more amazing being here but I think I am a little bit disappointed because the wrong concept about bariatric surgery is that you lose weight like crazy, like 10 pounds a week! (not true, everybody loses weight at their own pace, the important thing is LOSING!) Today is January 21, therefore it has been about 5 and a half weeks since surgery. That is an average of about 5 pounds lost per week since surgery. Although, this is not all that accurate considering I lost 2 pounds a day for the first week, then it slowed down.

Since my last blog post I have incorporated regular food back into my diet. It is nice to be able to eat real food again but the downside to that is that I am still tempted to eat bad foods. Since I didn't have the gastric bypass I don't experience the negative side effects of dumping that come along with the bypass. Therefore I can still pretty much have anything to eat but I can only eat very little. I have noticed that bread makes me really sick, this I consider a blessing in disguise. Before surgery, carbs were my weakness food. However, just because I can't have bread doesn't mean I can't have things such as cookies or cake. I still have to be careful because my stomach seems to be okay with dense carb foods like cake, cracker, cookies although I wish it wasn't!

Water intake is still so hard! I also struggle with keeping up with everything I have to take in a day, here is my list:

• prescription Vitamin D every week
• multivatiman every day
• hemagenics (fancy word for folate, iron, calcium, and B12) every day
• Hair, skin and nails supplement every day (okay I don't HAVE to drink this but it has collagen in it and I really want my hair to get longer and thicker so this is more of a vanity thing)
• Vitamin D3 
• Pepcid, one during the day, one during the night (stupid heartburn)
• My Tums (stupid heartburn, yes again, stupid heartburn)

One big challenge for me is grazing. I have always been a grazer, it's such a purpose defeating habit that I wish I could break! Now that I am able to eat food again I notice that I am grazing again. This is because even though I am full really quickly at meal times, in between meal times I can eat small "slider" foods or foods that have no substantial protein or nutrient value to them. This weekend my brother had friends over to watch the NFC championship game (GO NINERS!!) and I found that even though I was full after I ate my shredded beef as my meal, an hour after that I was able to eat chips and dip! I was eating chips in front of me while we watched the game because even if I can't have a whole plate of chips in one sitting, I can still have 15 chips and dip over the time span of an hour or two. That is NOT good. One thing that really helps with my grazing is chewing gum, I am going to start buying packs of sugarfree gum and leaving them hidden in places where I spend time in. My room, my cubicle, kitchen at home, my car, and the living room at home. This way whenever I feel like reaching for crackers, chips or cookies I will eat simply one cracker to feel like I have tasted it and avoid that feeling deprived feeling and then reach for a piece of gum to keep my mouth occupied. 

So right now I am at the point where my focus is protein, water, exercise, repeat. 

So I finally directed some energy into doing before and after pictures. I made a couple of collages. Both collages have me before surgery on the left and pictures of me after surgery (today) on the right. 

Until next time!

Melissa

One month update

Weight loss: Total -44 lbs, -24 lb since surgery

Wow! I can't believe it has been a month since I was sleeved. I can honestly say this past month has been such an emotionally and physically draining one. I get all weird typing this right now as I recall the struggles I have dealt with.

First is first though, the weight loss. My weight loss stalled for about a week and I could not understand why I stalled. I was so disheartened and it actually crossed my mind to think that I might be the first person to whom the surgery did not work for. I had to regroup and somehow break my stall. I went to my post op appointment at my surgeon's clinic and the Nurse asked me "Have you been exercising?" and I admitted... No I wasn't. Not only that but I also was not having enough protein which is hard to get in when you are on soft liquids and liquids and you don't like the taste of protein supplements. The exercise... I realize I was able to exercise 2 weeks after surgery and to be honest I was putting it off until I was able to eat food again. On liquids I just felt so weak and down in the dumps all the time that all my body wanted to do was get home from work and crawl into bed (more about this down in challenges). I went to the gym though, I have been all of once but it helped me lose 4 pounds. I broke my stall. Since it has been a month now, I  am able to eat real food again which has helped my mood so much. Among the things I have been having:

• vegetables
• greens
• soft chicken
• tuna
• beans
• soup 
• Oat bran (I eat it every morning for breakfast now since my stomach doesn't seem to like greek yogurt anymore)

Do I feel better now? yes. Being on broth sucked, I know hate chicken broth and highly dislike soup. Is there still challenges? Yes.

Since I started eating food now I know experience that feeling of fullness that everybody always talks about. People really don't exaggerate when they say you will have 4 bites and be stuffed. Is it a good thing? Absolutely. However, I have to eat so slow. And I know it seems like something that would be easy to learn but I haven't fully mastered it. I still catch myself eating too fast and then I feel so sick that I want to just throw up. 

Another challenge: Getting enough water in. I was so used to taking big chugs of water before surgery and I was pretty good about getting around 1.5 liters of water in a day. Now, on average I can only get about 1 liter in comfortably. One thing that I was reminded of is that my mouth really is bigger than my stomach right now. This means that if I take a big sip of water and swallow, as soon as it hits my stomach I feel pain. So I find myself trying to get water in as often as I can. 

Challenge: Energy level. Going back to work was both a good thing and a bad thing. I was able to feel useful again. The bad thing is that I had to find the energy to get out of bed and get myself to work.. On time. I think now I am back to normal after being back for 2 weeks. But it was hard. It sucks because I feel so frumpy when I roll into work with minimal makeup, bags under my eyes and clothes  that fits too big. Once I am there and in my cubicle engaging myself in something I feel okay though. For some reason my taste buds don't like my pre-surgery addiction which was Starbucks anymore. So  most of the time I have to either go without coffee or get McDonald's coffee because it seems to be the only kind of coffee I can tolerate. I won't say I was surprised though because I was warned that after surgery my taste buds would change and they have. My coworkers are really sweet and always ask how I am doing but I keep on getting comments that I look tired. It will get better though.

Heartburn: I have to be on continuous heartburn medicine because since my stomach is so small, the stomach acids have less space and they come up into my esophagus. For the most part I am okay but I have been waking up like at 3 AM with really bad heartburn and I can't get it to go away right away so I lose sleep over it. Again, something I was told would happen. To be expected.

Another thing, as I lose weight I notice that I become cold easily. So at night on top of the heartburn I also have trouble sleeping because I am cold. 

But out of this whole surgery process I still have reason to smile! I slowly am becoming more like the woman I am supposed to. It still feels good to be able to fit into clothes 6 sizes smaller than when I started this whole process. Also the group of people with who I surround myself with has been amazing.

Okay for pictures! I have been getting a lot of requests for pictures. I am so bad at asking somebody to take pictures of me so I just end up taking my own pictures. So the most recent picture I have is of me trying on clothes... Here it is. As you can see my face is the first body part that becomes more noticeable when I lose weight.

I will take more pictures and be sure to blog more often. A friend suggested that I blog more often... I will! (Thanks Crystal)

Until next time...

Mely <3

1 week out -15 lb from surgery -35 lb total

note: I did the math wrong and I realized that it was actually -35 pounds at the time of this post, not 45.

Today was my one week since surgery.

Weighed myself this morning and I have lost 15 pounds since surgery, 45 total since the beginning of my journey.

This first week has been rough. I think the first week out is always the most difficult. I cannot predict it getting harder than this. It feels so immensely surreal to be on this side of the sleeve and know that this is really me, really losing weight in a dramatic fashion. I have to admit, due to the speed of my weight loss I am weighing myself everyday. They say that it is bad to weigh yourself everyday but when you are practically eating less than 400 calories a day and losing 2 pounds a day it's so hard not to want to witness the daily change.

I look at myself in the mirror every morning and every morning I start to love what I see more and more. God granted me with a figure so even at my heaviest you could notice my curves. Losing weight I find myself noticing my curves become accentuated.  I also look at myself in the face and I see my bone structure slowly become more obvious. When I weighed myself this morning I realized I can't remember when was the last time I weighed what I weighed. High School? Most likely. 

Food: Being on clear liquids is so hard! Especially when my bro makes all this delicious food. I notice it has become easier now and it's more automatic. It helps to be on clear liquids because I am never hungry. It is an entirely new feeling to never feel full but never feel hungry. I stop myself during the day to really appreciate how that feels. Just because it has become easier not to eat food doesn't mean that I don't miss food but I find myself not thinking about it as often as I was.

Moving: I can't wait to be able to go to the gym again. It will be so neat to see what my body can do now that I am so much lighter. Since I can't go back to the gym until one more week I predict I will have lost at least 12 more pounds by then. Which will make me about 30 pounds lighter since the last time I went to the gym. 30 pounds! I look forward to knowing what 30 pounds lost feels like on the treadmill. I hope I am able to walk a little faster or even sustain a running pace. I know that once I start working out and doing weights I will look even better than solely losing weight!

I know I said I was going to post pictures but as I write this, there is nobody home to take a full body pic of me. But I promise promise promise that my next post will consist of lots of pictures. I can't wait to take a lot of them and post them up! 

Home from the hospital...

Home has never felt so good before!

Greetings from this side of the sleeve! I am so happy to be finally home and in my own bed in my own clothes, out of a very unflattering hospital gown! Today is Friday and my surgery was Wednesday morning.

First is first, my surgery went great! There were no problems with the anesthesia or recovering. I don't think I could have asked for a better surgeon or team of medical professionals to take care of me during my stay at Sutter.

When I was taken to anesthesia I was so surprised not to feel nervous or scared. I was so incredibly at peace and that really stood out to me. I couldn't believe how ready and receptive I was to this surgery. I was even calm enough to make a conversation with my anesthesiology about this article that I read that said that anesthesiologists are one of the highest paid medical professions. I told him he must be rolling in the dough! I remember feeling a dose of what must have been morphine in my IV that immediately relaxed me and the next thing I remember was waking up in recovery telling the nurse that I was really sleepy and asking her if I could go to sleep. I dozed off.

When I woke up I was being rolled out of the recovery room and I remember seeing my sister in law, best friend, mom and dad waiting for me to be rolled to my room.

By the time I got into my room it was about midday. I am very scatter minded and I don't have the ability to properly narrate my hospital experience in a way that will keep you engaged so I decided to do bullet points on my experiences instead:

• Pain: Even at my worst, my pain was only about a 5 or a 6. I was surprised I didn't have much Co2 pain but I guess some surgeries are different than others. Most of my pain would have to come from putting strain on my stomach since my stomach is trying to heal from the staples. I had a pain button that connected to Dilaudid, which is supposed to be stronger than morphine. Whatever it was, it was good and it made me real sleepy. Needless to say I slept most of the remaining day after surgery. Every time somebody showed up to my room I was always half asleep.

• Walking: The first day of surgery was really hard for me to get any walking in. Even though I was sleeping most of the day, I did go visit my cousin who had just delivered her baby upstairs in labor and delivery. The initial visit was really difficult and I had to come back to my room because I felt like I was going to throw up. Today was much easier for me to walk though and so was yesterday. 

• Food (or lack thereof) : I was on clear liquids for the entirety of the time I was at the hospital. It was hard, and will continue to be hard. The thought of hospital beef broth totally grosses me out and it's going to take some of my mom's mighty good "caldo the pollo" broth to make me change my mind. Drinking water was very unpleasant. I had to take really really small sips to avoid the cramping sensation I would get in my abdomen. I made it though, I drank enough water so I could avoid being dehydrated and could come home.

• Support: My support system was really amazing. I felt really loved and taken care of in the hospital. I have really pretty flowers to prove it! I also got a flower delivery delivered to me from a nurse. She said the delivery was from "somebody in my support group" I knew people in my support group but I couldn't pin point who exactly it was. Then as soon as I started reading the card I remembered this lovely lady that was set to have her surgery on Monday. She said "she wanted to wish me the very best with my new journey and that I always radiate such a beautiful glow" I was really touched by such a kind gesture! I look forward to seeing this lovely lady again in support group to thank her and give her a big hug!

I am upset that I haven't lost weight but according to my nurse this is normal since I am filled up on liquids and drugs. I hope to start losing weight once I have settled into being at home and comfortable on my liquid diet.

I also had my nurse add another "goal" to my dry erase board ;)

Until next time!

Melissa

Twas the Eve of the Sleeve...

Hi guys,

So here it is. It is the night before the sleeve. I am starting to feel all the nervousness and anxiety I am supposed to feel for surgery. I can't believe 6 months have flown by so quickly. I still remember leaving my surgeon's office after the first visit. I was crying because I was so emotional from finding out which surgery I would be having and this that I truly wanted was finally going to happen!

This journey has been so amazing and it is yet to be over! I am barely getting to the surgery part. After the surgery I will have a whole new set of challenges to address and overcome. I am getting a little emotional just typing this blog entry. These past 6 months I have learned so much about myself and about my body. I have learned what I am capable and I had to also change my relationship with food. That within itself is so much. 

This weekend I enjoyed my last weekend on this side of the sleeve. It was truly a weekend to remember. My best friend and I attended my work's Christmas party and we had such a blast! I danced and mingled with my coworkers. We even took some awesome photo booth pictures. 

Now to the surgery. I have to be at the hospital at 5:30 AM and my surgery will be at 7:30. I have prepared everything I needed to prepare for it! It's going to be so surreal to actually be there and know this is happening. AMAZING!

I will make sure to take lots of pics when I actually get to the hospital and right after surgery. I will be in the hospital until Friday if all goes well. 

See you with lots of pictures after the sleeve!!!

5 days before surgery

Hi all!

So tonite is Thursday night and my surgery is next Wednesday bright and early. This means that my surgery is only 5 days away!

Yesterday I went to see my surgeon for my pre-op appointment. My total weight loss when I weighed in at my surgeon's office was 21 lbs. Which takes me to the next comment. I know I should probably be doing the whole "starting weight", "current weight", and total weight loss tracker thing. However, I still don't feel comfortable posting my weight for everyone to see online. I will be posting my total weight loss week by week though! Back to my surgeon's appointment, I want to take a moment to really describe how amazing Dr. Woodbury is. When I saw him a year ago for my gallbladder I NEVER thought that he would also be performing the surgery that is going to positively impact my life in so many ways. His demeanor, compassion, and expertise are so very admirable!

Anyways, Dr. Woodbury and I talked about what's going to happen the day of surgery and how long the surgery will take. That appointment didn't take long and I was back on my merry way to work. 

Now that was yesterday, today I saw Nurse Kate for my final appointment. She and I talked about all the things that are going to happen before surgery and after surgery. It was an appointment jam packed with useful information. I signed my consent forms and Nurse Kate described my surgery date. The day before I have to be on clear liquids and then I will show up at Sutter at 5:30 AM and I will prepped for the surgery that will happen at 7:30. I will be put on blood thinners and rolled into surgery at 7:30 AM. I will be in my recovery room by 10:30 appprox. I was also informed I will be using a catheter which effectively scared the crap out of me. After surgery the main concern is blood clots, this is why there is so much emphasis on getting up and moving after surgery. I will also have a pain button that I can press when I need morphine. (self medicating morphine = wooo hooo!) In all seriousness though, what I am most worried about is the Co2 pains. Those really suck, I know this because after I had my gallbladder removed I had to deal with the Co2 pains. Anyways, I will be in the hospital until Friday. 

The only thing that really concerns me at this point is that there was a misunderstanding on my part and really I should have been on 1000 calories a day beginning a week ago! Oy vey! Nurse Kate assured me that if I am really strict and exercise my little heart out for this very last home stretch I will be okay! So I went to Trader Joe's today and got me some greek yogurts and a nice TJ's salad for tomorrow. I need to really really stick to this 1000 calories a day. This means no sugar, carbs or added fat!

 My lovely coworker who had the Gastric Bypass keeps telling me "pictures, pictures, pictures! So I will take a picture the day of the surgery holding up my lovely little "day of surgery" sign. 

Okay! For now, I have this pic that I took at my surgeon's office yesterday. I want to make sure I journalize what I look like as much as I can because this blog is really ultimately for me. I want to go back a year from now and see the pics post by post and see how much I've changed! I will be posting the night before surgery! 

12 days before surgery!

Hello all! 

So one week from Wednesday I will be at Sutter getting my surgery done! I am trying to remind myself to be aware of everything right now. So much will change and I want to vividly remember all the feelings and the outlook that I had as a big girl once I am on the other side of the sleeve. I remind myself everyday that really this is it, these are my last days as a big girl!

I also find myself wanting to take lots of pictures of myself. Not for vanity purposes but because I want to see them once I have had the surgery and know that that was me right before. I don't want to forget who I was before and that's why I take pictures so I can look at myself later on and know how far I've come.

Today I felt inspired to write a new blog entry. I want to talk about the frequent questions and comments I receive regarding my surgery. If you are reading this blog and you have had or are going to have bariatric surgery, I really hope you can relate! Here goes nothing...

• "My Uncle's girlfriend's brother's wife's niece has had the surgery and it didn't work..." EVERYBODY seems to have an obscure relative's relative's relative's that has had bariatric surgery and gained the weight back. The surgery is a tool and if you use that tool and put in the hard work, it will pay off and there is no reason why you should not lose weight! If you want to say negative things about the surgery because you think I will change my mind or think I will fail, maybe you aren't a person I need to be talking to.
• "Surgery is the easy way out, why don't you just exercise and eat right. I mean look at me, I have lost 25 pounds" This one is also an aggravating one. Anybody that has had surgery will tell you that surgery is the hardest thing they have had to do. Do you think going through a painful surgery where your insides are cut open and stapled back together is easy? Surgery is not the easy way out. It is the realistic way out. When a person becomes so "obese" their stomach stretches out so much that it is impossible to shrink your stomach back to a normal size. Also, many large people are able to lose weight but end up gaining it back because there is always that possibility you will gain weight back because you are so easily prone to being heavy. To compare somebody that is losing just a few love pounds/pregnancy weight with somebody that has struggled with weight all their life and most often needs to lose 100 plus pounds is ridiculous. I have a coworker that lost some weight on her own and is so negative about the surgery. I don't become angered with her negative comments, I just feel sorry for her because as smart as she is she can't realize the pros of surgery and the positive outcome it can create in a person's life after said person has had the surgery.
• "Aren't you scared you are going to die?" According to Surgery.com the mortality rate for a sleeve gastrectomy is 0.39%  Which means that for every 1000 people that have the surgery, about 4 die. I like those odds. I would much rather take a small risk now, than end up risking much more later on in terms of co-morbities. 
• "You are heavy enough to have that done?" I am on the lower end of the BMI required to have surgery. The BMI required for bariatric surgery if you don't have any obesity related diseased is 40, mine is 42. So yes, I do qualify for bariatric surgery. I think I get this comment a lot because people always tell me I carry my weight well. Which is good I guess. 
• "But you are so young! Are you sure you want to do this?" This comment always somehow ends up averting to bulletpoint #2. Yes I am young! All the more reason to start really living and being happy now that I can! That way I don't look back and think "Darn, I shouldn't have waied" 

On another note, yes I do tell people I am having the surgery. I don't go up to random strangers and inform them. However, if somebody asks, I tell them. Why? Because I think that there is a stigma in our society regarding bariatric surgery. If somebody asks me what I am having done, I tell them because most likely they have a misconception about it and maybe just maybe I can make them see surgery in a different light. If I can change one person's mind or at least get a person to see surgery in a more positive aspect, then that to me is worth all the negative comments and reactions.

Okay! Whew! That was laborious! Lastly I would like to give a shout out to the one person that has always been there for me and has shown never ending support and encouragement. My best friend! I love you Jazzy!

15 days before surgery!

Hi! I hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving! I know I did! I pretty much gave myself permission to enjoy food since I will be on clear liquids during Christmas! No fun :( but hey, it's well worth it. Today I decided I wanted to have a "normal" picture of myself to use as my unofficial "before" picture. So today at work I took my friend into one of the private rooms and had her take a pic of me. So there you have it! That is me!! I want to talk about the reasons I chose to go forward with surgery. After the pic...

Growing up I was always what people would label as "big boned" I was always in between being overweight and obese. To this day I hate that word "obese" by the way. My weight wasn't such a big focus as a kid, I wouldn't even get made fun at school for it either. I was just a eccentric, outspoken, funny and friendly Melissa. When I started gaining weight was really when I started maturing. I would say end of middle school/beginning of high school. In high school I was more aware of my weight and really didn't like the way I was because of it. I couldn't fit into the normal clothes that all the size 2 girls would wear at school and at this point, family and doctors started to take notice that I was really heavy. My mom began encouraging me to lose weight and I would try to do things like weight watchers/not eating carbs or sugar/exercise. But I never really had the self control to stop myself and stick with something for good. And that was high school, feeling a little out of place and trying to find my identity and get along with friends all while working at Popeye's, my first job (that didn't exactly help my weight loss).

Fast forward a few years after graduating high school to 2011 and I have gained about 30 pounds and I am going to school to get my degree in accounting. I got really sick and I had to get my gallbladder removed and that is when I met none other than Dr. Woodbury. He performed surgery on me and after surgery I asked him jokingly what my insides looked like (gross I know) he said "not good." Ouch! We talked about bariatric surgery for a bit, but at the time the insurance I had didn't cover it. That was November of last year. By March of this year I had thought about it enough and done all the research necessary. I had also graduated school with my degree and gotten my first "real" job and decided that I couldn't live life always hating how I looked. I also couldn't live life with the constant paranoia that people would stare at me or say things about me behind my back. I just wanted to be a normal 22 year old that did what 22 year olds do. Go out, date, go on hikes, take spontaneous road trips, dance and just be satisfied with what I saw in the mirror. Others would say to me that I had such a "pretty" face and a great personality.. it was time for my body to match those things! By April my insurance kicked in at my brand new job and I called Dr. Woodbury's office and found out my insurance covered bariatric surgery. I started the long process and here I am today. Around 20 pounds lighter and ready for my surgery.

My journey hasn't been easy. I have had to change the way I looked at food for the better part of 22 years. That was the hardest part. Food was no longer a comforting thing. Food had to become simply nourishment and something that I need to survive. I realize I have a lot more self control than I thought I had. I also realized that everyday is such a struggle and I have had my bad days. Lately I have been sort of off the wagon and not as strict as I can be but I know that just because you decide you want to have that bagel or want to have that cookie doesn't mean you can just mess up the rest of your day! The most valuable lesson I have learned is that I can still treat myself but I need to make compromises. For example, every monthly meeting we have at work bagels are served. I have that bagel but I know dang well that I have to work out after work and eat clean and healthy the rest of the day. I know it seems silly if you haven't struggled with weight and can just eat whatever you want. But for those of you pre op, post op or even no op or normal weight that have ever had to deal with weight know... Losing weight sucks and is so emotional!

Thanks for reading! Soon I will post again when I am only a week away from my sleeve! Exciting stuff. I also want to thank all the coworkers, friends, family and anybody else that has supported me along this journey. It has meant so much to me!